You will need :

Coconut Oil,a mirror, a study belt, Pair of ridiculously small skinny jeans (the more they surprise you in size, the better you will look) , a motivational speech by Morgan Freeman playing in the background, a shot of vodka, 6 pack of Redbull, a face towel, the eye of the tiger, irrational belief in yourself, clear communication with the ancestors and a few assistants (preferably a spouse, friend or a member of the family you are not afraid to see you fart or cry.)
Procedure :

Drink the shot of vodka followed by 2 cans of Redbull all at once. You will need all the energy you can get so for two days before you attempt to wear these, do not speak to anyone or move. Crank up the volume of the motivational speech and remember, you can be anything you believe IE. a size 2. and you can do anything your heart sets out to do IE. fit into a pair of jeans that looks two sizes too small.
After you are done pacing back and forth like a boxer ready to take out his opponent in one punch, rub a generous amount of coconut oil on your thighs, legs, calves, knees, feet, heels .. in fact, apply it to your whole body just in case. I personally would advice you to drink some of it because your soul needs to be lubricated for the journey you are about to begin. Pour a little on the ground to appease the ancestors and the living dead.. you will need them on your side.
Take the pair of jeans you aspire to get into and hold them up to your waist. Does it look too small? Perfect. Your crush stands no chance today. Your booty will look so good, he will have to follow you back. Start with the left leg to maintain your balance as you squeeze your heel through the mustard seed of the crevice where your feet should go then repeat the process on the right leg making sure not too wail too loudly when your toes get stuck and/or broken. By now, your jeans should be wrapped around you mid-calf and your ankles should feel suffocated making sure to check for broken bones and bruises. Are we there ?

Next, ask one of your assistants to pass you another redbull and read a passage of encouragement from the Bible ( The Red sea story works best for me. ) then continue to lift the jeans up to your thighs until you hear the jeans almost bust at the seams. That tearing sound is what let’s you know that you have hit the too-fat-for-this-jeans part of your body. But don’t let that scare you into giving up.
This is where shit hits the fan. Drink another 2 Redbulls making sure to keep your crush hitting the DM in mind. This is all worth it. You think Kim Kardashian gets into her jeans by being a sissy?? No! That’s why she has so many family members, it takes a village to dress a booty. Add the appropriate amount of coconut oil to your thighs depending on how many sizes smaller the jeans really are, stand in a knocked-knees position then with the help of the other assistant, pull them up while jumping up and down and kicking like an exorcist till they reach your waist. (Or at least where it’s meant to be) At this stage, Your thighs should look like an unnatural stump of wood by now and you should not be able to fold any joint in your leg.
Suck in your stomach, collapse your lungs, slowly force your intestines, diaphragm, rectum and other vital organs to your chest then attempt to close the button. If you fail at the first try, worry not. Wipe the sweat off your face, armpits and neck with the towel then repeat until successful. By this time, your fingers should be turning blue due to lack of oxygen and the button on your jeans will be screaming bloody murder attempting to jump to it’s death. But fret not. Keep your goal in mind. That is why God gave us Oxygen debt; utalipa baadaye. Have your assistants hold each side of the jeans and force the button into the hole while you focus on generally not dying (or farting or wailing) When it finally closes, tuck your stomach into the jeans then quickly close the zip before the jeans wake up and realize what they just did.
Enjoy a sexy ass and skinny legs day , breathing is overrated anyway. Make sure not to eat or sit down, your button cannot handle such pressure. You are welcome.


4 thoughts on “How To Wear Skinny Jeans For The Thick Soul

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